Q. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
A. “Aye matey”
Q. What detergent do sailors use?
Q. Why did the admiral decide against buying a new hat?
A. He was worried about cap-sizing!
A pirate walks into a bar with a little ship’s wheel in the front of his pants.
The bartender says, “Hey, why you got a ship’s wheel in your trousers?”
The pirate replies “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts!”
Q. Why are portholes in boats round?
A. So the water doesn’t hit the sailors square in the face!
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Q. Why can’t you tickle a sailor?
A. Because they’re nautical-ish.
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean. One turns to the other and asks, “What music do you listen to?”
The second one says. “I’m a massive heavy metal fan.”
Q. Why did the hippie drown in the ocean?
A. He was too far out.
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The Buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
Q. How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A. A Buck-an-ear.
Two Italian guys, Tony and Marco, go fishing on a boat
Suddenly, Tony spots an old WWII bomb floating towards them.
Marco screams “Tony! Look! It’s a mine!”
Tony, scared, replies “Okay okay Marco, you can a have it!”
A very nervous first time crew member says to the skipper, “Do boats like this sink very often?”
“Not too often,” replied the skipper. “Usually it’s only the once.”
Q. Why didn’t the sailors play cards?
A. Because the captain was standing on the deck.
Q. What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Guy at the Marina: “So which of these boats is the one I won in the dice game?”
“Yacht C,” the attendant says.
Q. What kind of fish is made from just two sodium atoms?
A. 2 Na
Q. Why don’t pirates drive on mountain roads?
A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Great,” said the man, “It’s his birthday.”
Q. How do you get two whales in a car?
A. Start in England and drive west.
I told my girlfriend that I had a crush on Beyoncé.
And she said to me “Whatever floats your boat”.
And I replied “No, that’s Buoyancy.”
Q. How does the ocean floor stay up-to-date on the news?
A. By following current events.
A boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint and the crew were marooned.
Q. If you have 5 cats on a boat and and 1 jumps off, how many cats are left in the boat?
A. None, they were copycats.
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
Q. Where did Captain Hook buy his hook
A. At a second hand store.
I saw a sailor with a big bushy beautiful beard today.
Was it a navel beard?
No, his beard was on his chin.
Q. What is the deepest part of the ocean?
A. The bottom.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Q. Do you guys want to know what I put in the wooden box I made and threw in the ocean?
A. Never mind, it’s a sea-crate.
Q. What causes some boats to become party boats?
A. Pier pressure.
Q. What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
A. Boo tea.
Q. How do you make a boat feel better?
A. Give it some vitamin sea.
Q. Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
A. So that when the ships come back into port they can Scandinavian!
My wife has just sailed to the Caribbean.
No, she wanted to!
Q. Why do oars fall in love?
A. Because they’re row-mantic.
Q. When is a sailor not a sailor?
A. When he’s aboard.
Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.
“What’s this?” asked the skipper, “It looks as if someone is drowning!”
“No,” explained his crew, “It’s just a little wave.”
Q. What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A. The Pacific Ocean.
Q. Where do sick boats go?
A. To the dock.
Q. What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
A. The seals.
Q. Where do ghosts like to go sailing?
A. Lake Eerie.
A pirate goes to see his doctor and asks him to look at the spots on his arm.
The doctor examines them and says, “Nothing to worry about, they’re benign.”
The pirate says, “No Doc, there be eleven. I counted them before I came here.”
Q. Why are pirates so bad at learning alphabets?
A. Because they always get stuck at C.
Q. Where do zombies like to go sailing?
A. The Dead Sea.
Q. Why is pirating addictive?
A. Once you lose your first hand, you get hooked.
Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?
You stop pretending.
Q. Why did the viking buy an old boat ?
A. He couldn’t a fjord a new one
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?
A. Shiver me timbers.
Q. How can you cut an ocean in two?
A. With a sea-saw.
Q. What do you call a boat full of buddies?
A. A friend-ship.
Q. 3 men are in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no lighter, what do they do?
A. Throw 1 cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Canoe answer the door, please?
Q. Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
A. They’ll just wash up on the shore later.
Q. Which type of vegetable is banned on ships?
Q. What type of sailors blow their nose a lot?
A. The anchor chiefs.
Q. Why don’t you ever see a pirate cry?
A. Because when they do, it’s a private tear.
Q. How do you communicate with a fish?
A. Drop it a line.
Q. H20 is water, but what is H204?
A. It’s for boating, of course.
Q. Why do scuba divers always flip backwards when jumping from a boat in water?
A. Because if they flip forward they would still be in the boat.
A dentist opened an office on a boat.
What was the boat’s name?
The Tooth Ferry
Q. What kind of grades did the pirate get in school?
A. High Cs.
Q. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
A. P, because without it they’re irate.
I spent my children’s college fund on a boat…I’m going to call it the scholarship.
Q. What’s the world’s most efficient bilge pump?
A. A scared man with a bucket.
Q. When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat?
A. When there’s a sail on it.
Q. What kind of boat do sailors learn their trade on?
A. An apprenticeship.
Q. What did the sand say when the tide came back in?
A. Long time, no sea!